Shades of Michelle

It’s been an eventful week.  It started with me going on my first internet date.  The guy was nice enough, plenty in common to talk about, etc etc etc.  No chemistry at all, I totally wasn’t attracted to him. I let him down as easy as I know how.  God, who likes being rejected?  And who likes rejecting?  This dating stuff kinda sucks.

So, on my way home I call the guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year now and tell him how the date went.  Casually seeing, I might add.  I honestly didn’t see this coming, but he didn’t want to hear about my date at all.  And though he didn’t come right out and say that, it was pretty obvious that this topic was not his favorite.  So over the course of the week we had some serious talks, and he wants to be my boyfriend!  I like him a lot, and didn’t really want to trade him in to pursue the single life, so I was really happy to hear that.  So, we are trying on the boyfriend and girlfriend hats to see how they fit us.  No guarantees, but it could turn into something…

Of course, reviewing my list of things I’m looking for, he’s only got about half of the things on that list.  But I do have feelings for him, so that overrides the list…  I’ll let my heart lead the way and see where it takes me.

In other news, a good friend of mine recently called me up and told me he’s been painting a TON of paintings while listening to recordings of my singing.  My voice has apparently inspired him to whip out painting after painting which he has been displaying at an art exhibit, getting great reviews!  This has in turn inspired me to do more recordings.  I’ve already got a guitar teacher all lined up, and I’m getting back to what I love, MUSIC!  :)  :) 

I’m so excited!  It’s going to be a great summer.

~All the best~  Michelle

Well, I’m still a renter for now.  I’ve decided to look at a bunch more properties before I bid on anything.  I found one that I really loved, but wasn’t quick enough on the draw.  It got sold before I could place a bid.  So now I’m back to checking out fresh properties again.  This whole process could take awhile.

In the meantime, I have to confess that I really wish I were buying a house with the love of my life.  I’ve been fantasizing about what my dream guy would be like.  They say if you don’t know what you are looking for, how will you know if you’ve found it?  So here we go, my soul mate wish list.

First of all, he would be between the ages of 29 and 39.   Big age differences in potential mates weird me out.  I’m happy for you if it works for you, but it’s just not for me.  If he is younger than me, then he must be mature and have his stuff together.  Frat boys need not apply.

He would want to have children.  I’d really like to have at least one more, maybe two,  so my son would have someone to grow up with.  And he would want to have them fairly soon…  I’m not getting any younger.

Ideally, my man would be able to cook… but not only able to cook but be willing to share the cooking duties.  He would be happy to cook for me when I didn’t have the time or the energy.  God knows I would be willing to do this for him.

He would be outdoorsy and have a real appreciation for nature. Love for camping, hiking and swimming are a must.  Bonus points if he knows how to start a fire and catch a fish.

My perfect man would be organized, much more organized than myself.

He would have a love for music, both listening to it and performing it.

He’d like to live outside the city.  I’ve realized more and more that I don’t need the city life on a daily basis.  If I could just visit it occasionally to have a nice dinner, see a concert, or go shopping that would be good enough for me.

He would know how to have fun and could make me laugh.  I’ll make a fool of myself to get him to laugh, and while I don’t expect him to go to extreme lengths, it would be awesome if he could make light of heavy situations and crack a joke.

Anyone know this guy that I have described?

I feel like I’m finally ready to date and am testing the waters now.  I’ve put myself on an online dating site (scary).  We’ll see what happens.  If you do come across this guy, send him this direction.  I’d like to get to know him better.

~All the best~  Michelle

Well, I looked at a very lovely townhouse for sale today.  I have a little bit of money that my grandmother left me in her will, and I’m tired of paying someone else’s mortgage! With interest rates as low as they are, for around the same price I’m paying now I can get a 3 bedroom townhouse with the possibility of renting out the third bedroom.  It has a finished basement, 1 1/2 baths, backyard facing the woods, and is about 5 minutes away from where I live now.  It would be really great for my son, and I really love it!  But is it too quick?  Am I ready for this next step?

Bids are being accepted tomorrow!  Aahhh.  I always imagined I would buy my first house with the man I would be with for the rest of my life, but with the current circumstances I could feasibly pull it off all by myself.

Any advice out there?

I’ve been feeling really nostalgic lately…

My birthday came and I’ve reflected on all that I’ve been through since the last time February rolled around.  It’s been quite the amazing year! It’s been full of ups and downs… extreme ups and downs actually.  And on the other side of that year, I’m sitting here feeling more content and blissful than I can ever remember being.  If you would have told me a year ago that I’d be where I am today, feeling the way I feel, I wouldn’t have believed you.  It just proves the greatness of this quote “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”

One of my co-workers recently split from his girlfriend, so I had him and a few other people over to my house for party to help console him.  In all the advice that came out that night, one piece really stuck in my head.   One of his friends stated that his happiness always hinged on how well his relationship was going or happy his girlfriends are.  He never really took the time to learn about himself and what makes him happy, something he really needed to start doing at the age of 38.  I remember thinking that I’m so glad I started doing this at the age of 31, so by the time I’m 38 I can have a happy, healthy relationship that isn’t completely dependent on the other person as a source of my happiness.  My partner will only add to the happiness that I already have in my life. I thought that was a really great insight, and worth sharing.

Today’s post is dedicated to an old college friend who recently got in touch with me after coming across my blog.  She’s been going through many of the same things in her life as me - new baby, separation, back to work after maternity leave, single motherhood etc.  Diana, I’m so glad this blog has helped you.  Thanks to you for reminding me why I started writing it, and for inspiring me to keep it up.
Make it a great day! ~ Michelle~

I hate winter. Honestly, I don’t know why we put ourselves through this long stretch of endless winter up here in Canada. When you consider how much of the world is ridiculously warm and tropic, it really just makes no sense.
I’ve been on a seemingly neverending stretch of cold-related illnesses for the past six weeks. All I’ve wanted to do is go to bed early and eat soup. I’d write more, because I have lots to talk about, but yet again I am just craving my bed.
Hope all is well with all of you out there. I’ll write soon.
~Michelle~

I’ve been reading a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and I wanted to share its knowledge with you today.  I’m almost finished the book and it’s really helped me already in several areas of my life.  Mr. Ruiz makes a great point in the first agreement, and I’ll try to word it as eloquently as he did.  Basically he makes the point that humans are the only creatures that pay for their mistakes over and over again because we have the ability (or burden in this case) of an acute memory.  Because we can remember our mistakes we punish ourselves over and over for them by recalling the feelings of guilt or embarrassment and holding ourselves in this state of anguish.  All other creatures simply err, learn, and move on.  We should not pay for our mistakes repeatedly, there is no justice in this, the author points out.  Therefore we have no need to beat ourselves up over the mistakes we have made - learn from them and move on.  Do not let anyone else make you pay for your mistakes either by forcing you to relive these feelings of shame.  You have already paid your penalty.

 My wish for you is that you’ll read the book and benefit from its wisdom as I have.  However, if you do not have the time, please at least read the following summary, courtesy of http://www.businessballs.com/thefouragreementsdonmiguelruiz.htm

~All the best ~ Michelle

The Four Agreements is a life-changing book, whose ideas come from the ancient Toltec wisdom of the native people of Southern Mexico. The Toltec were ‘people of knowledge’ - scientists and artists who created a society to explore and conserve the traditional spiritual knowledge and practices of their ancestors. The Toltec viewed science and spirit as part of the same entity, believing that all energy - material or ethereal - is derived from and governed by the universe. Don Miguel Ruiz, born and raised in rural Mexico, was brought up to follow his family’s Toltec ways by his mother, a Toltec faith healer, and grandfather, a Toltec ‘nagual’, a shaman. Despite this, Don Miguel decided to pursue a conventional education, which led him to qualify and practice for several years as a surgeon. Following a car crash, Don Miguel Ruiz reverted to his Toltec roots during the late 1970’s, first studying and learning in depth the Toltec ways, and then healing, teaching, lecturing and writing during the 1980’s and 90’s, when he wrote The Four Agreements (published in 1997), The Mastery of Love (1999), The Four Agreements Companion Book (2000), and Prayers (2001).

Agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I still have some catching up to do here.   A few things that happened over the next few months after my move caught me very much by surprise. I’ll start where I left off…

I was coping with a tremendous, unshakable sense of loss.  First, the loss of my spouse.  Yes, it was a choice I made, but the void was greatly felt nonetheless.  We had been together eleven years.  Having him suddenly not around is like learning to walk with one leg suddenly gone.  It was not easy.

Secondly, the loss of half of my time with my son… something I will never quite get over but I imagine will get easier as time goes on.  I know how important it is for my son to have both of his parents involved in his life, so splitting custody equally is the best arrangement for him.  Nonetheless, it does make me more than a little sad to not kiss him goodnight every evening.

Third, the loss of many friends in this city, since most of them were guys who of course have all banded together.  This really surprised me at the time, but in retrospect it probably shouldn’t have. I know I have flocked to my girlfriends since the split, and it’s been a great comfort having their friendship and support.  I’m glad he has the guys to surround himself with, but it was another big blow that I had to cope with.

But in the end, everyone reacts to changes a little differently.  I can’t control others reactions,  I can only follow my heart and do what I know is right for me.  These are the choices I have made, and if others want nothing to do with me then that is their choice.  I have to respect that.  If they don’t want to return my phone calls, they certainly don’t have to.  Of course, these reactions were not helping my state of mind.

I woke up one morning and decided that enough was enough.  I can’t do anything about how people will react, and the custody arrangements are what they are.  What I can do is take care of myself and my needs.  So I put the word out to my girlfriends that I needed to start dating….ASAP!  I was not looking for commitment or anything serious at all,  I just needed to have some fun.  Lots of fun. Really badly.

It took only a few days, and a girlfriend of mine hooked me up with a very attractive and much younger man.  We hit it off really well, and have been spending quite a bit of time together since. He was looking for the same thing I was, and we’ve been enjoying each others company, with no strings attached.  I’m under no illusion that it will last, and neither is he, which makes it all the better.  We’re keeping it simple, and it’s been really awesome.

I’m incredibly grateful to have him around.  First of all, he’s taught me a lot about how I want to be treated by a man.  He’s always saying nice things, giving me constant ego boosts, making me feel really beautiful.  He lets me get whatever I need off my chest, regardless of how petty or whiny I may be.  He appreciates my sense of humor and laughs so hard at all my jokes.  And he’s a REALLY good cook!  In short, he’s just been a great friend who’s there for me when I need him, a true rock.

Secondly, he’s been incredibly helpful.  Working fifty hours a week and being a single mom can be very tiring to say the least.  He does so much for me!  He picks up groceries, ice scrapers, wine, you name it, when I just don’t have the time or capabilities to go get them.  And when my grandmother died and I had to rush off to Maine, utterly devastated, he offered to be at my house every day for  week to do the grocery shopping and cook me dinner when I got back to town.  I think that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, and I couldn’t thank him enough.

Lastly, he’s helping me to whip my butt into shape.  He’s got me going to the gym again, and he brings me to work out with him a the gym in his condo building.  And I’m happy to say that as of today I have been smoke-free for over a week!  I definitely couldn’t have done that without him. He’s a great guy, and even though I don’t see us being a long-term couple, I know I’ll always have a great friend in him.

So that pretty much catches us up to the present time.  Thanks so much for reading, I’ll write again soon.

~Much Love ~ Michelle

Last month my grandmother passed away due to heart failure.  I was due to be there in three days to visit her.   I knew she wasn’t doing well, and her doctor didn’t give her very much longer.  Despite my best efforts, I missed her.  I never got the chance to say goodbye, and I will always regret that.  I’m still a bit devastated and having a hard time grasping the fact that I’ll never see her again….

Tribute to follow soon.

Love,
Michelle

Here I am, it is August 11th today, and I am on vacation.  And may I add, a much needed one.  Yes, the hiatus is officially over.  I didn’t intend to go this long without posting some news for you all, but… well life can be unpredictable, can’t it?  It was a much needed break, and I thank all of you for continuing to read my blog.  I’m very happy to say that I’m back.

We have some catching up to do, so I’ll start with how my first month was living on my own.  Initially, I was incredibly excited to get into my new condo and set it all up exactly the way I wanted it to be.  For those of you who didn’t already know this, I have never lived by myself before.  I have never had total autonomy over my living space.  And I’ve got to say, I really enjoyed putting it all together, and having the freedom and independence to do so.  I walked around my condo with great joy and pride, patting myself on the back for my incredible style and taste.  I knew I had it in me! :) 

And yes, I bought a car with that money. It’s a gold 2001 Nissan Sentra with no power features whatsoever!  There’s absolutely nothing flashy or overly attractive about this vehicle.  But for under $6000, it’s the best deal I found in the time frame given.  No power locks, no power windows, no cruise control, not even a delay feature on the windshield wipers!  I thought that was pretty standard on cars these days, but nope I was wrong! But it does have those few things that I really do need:  four doors, air conditioning and a CD player.  Good enough for me.  She’s not sexy, and she’s got her quirks, but she’s reliable and has lots of life left in her.  So I’ve decided to call her ‘Sweet Jane’.  I think the name suits her quite nicely.

Everything was falling into place, and I was very enthusiastic about my new life and freedom. Splitting custody with my ex meant I had half of my free time wide open for possibilities.  I could hit patios for pints and visit friends I hadn’t seen in awhile.  I could form a new band and start singing again, which I miss so much.  The world was wide open for me and whatever I wanted to fill that time with was my decision and my decision only.  I was very enthusiastic and optimistic about my new circumstances.

Well, my enthusiasm lasted about two weeks.  Then the inevitable wave of emotions came crashing down on me. I had a good solid week of reality checks, which I will forever refer to as my ’shitstorm week’.  According to the new custody calendar,  I would be spending Mother’s Day without my son, or any of my family for that matter, at a time when I really wanted and needed them around me. I learned that my ex-husband has a new, considerably younger girlfriend.  And I learned that my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer.  It was a lot to take in, and it is no exaggeration to say that everytime I was not at work or in the company of other people for a two week period,  I was crying.  Actually that’s not completely true.  Many people did see me cry.  A few good friends, strangers in the cars next to me on the way to and from work, random drive-thru servers… you get the idea.

Now please don’t feel bad for me.  Don’t cry for ME, Argentina!  Even at the time, I was not pitying myself.  As surprising as this may sound, I felt overwhelmingly relieved every time the tears came.  For the past couple of years, I have felt so unshakably numb. I felt so detached from the world around me, so guarded. Nothing moved me. The tears came with great relief, and I welcomed them wholeheartedly.

I don’t have a clear answer as to why I was in such an emotional vacuum for those years.  A combination of many factors, no doubt.  Perhaps I was harboring fears of being seen as unstable, of being over-emotional, of having no self control. Fear of being judged!  Perhaps deep down I just knew I was not where I should have been in life and that distracted me from living in the moment.  I can’t pinpoint a single cause, but regardless,  I’m happy to say any fear or obstacle that has ever kept me from expressing my emotions or from feeling with 100% of my heart and soul has been banished from my life.  Fear is not welcome at the new condo.  :)  Those tears washed away years and years worth of self-doubt, pain and emotional barriers.  On the other side of those tears, I have found space. And in that space I have made a home for a long-lost friend: my inner voice. 

That’s all for now, I’ll tell you more later on.  Right now the sun is coming out on Prince Edward Island, and I’m going to go enjoy it.

Much love  ~ Michelle

I’ve been extremely busy packing up my stuff, not a whole lot of time to write.  It’s just 9 days away, the big move!  I’m really excited to setup the new place.  It’s quite a bit smaller than the place I’ve been living in, so I’m taking the opportunity to purge a lot of unneccesary garbage that’s been piling up over the years.  It’s unbeleivable how much stuff one can accumulate over years.    Boxes and boxes of sheer garbage.  Value village will be inheriting a nice pile over the next week.  Lucky them.

I’ll be writing more again soon, but not much until I’m settled into my new condo.  I’m taking a brief hiatus.  I’ll be back soon enough.

Until then,

~Michelle~