Shades of Michelle

I still have some catching up to do here.   A few things that happened over the next few months after my move caught me very much by surprise. I’ll start where I left off…

I was coping with a tremendous, unshakable sense of loss.  First, the loss of my spouse.  Yes, it was a choice I made, but the void was greatly felt nonetheless.  We had been together eleven years.  Having him suddenly not around is like learning to walk with one leg suddenly gone.  It was not easy.

Secondly, the loss of half of my time with my son… something I will never quite get over but I imagine will get easier as time goes on.  I know how important it is for my son to have both of his parents involved in his life, so splitting custody equally is the best arrangement for him.  Nonetheless, it does make me more than a little sad to not kiss him goodnight every evening.

Third, the loss of many friends in this city, since most of them were guys who of course have all banded together.  This really surprised me at the time, but in retrospect it probably shouldn’t have. I know I have flocked to my girlfriends since the split, and it’s been a great comfort having their friendship and support.  I’m glad he has the guys to surround himself with, but it was another big blow that I had to cope with.

But in the end, everyone reacts to changes a little differently.  I can’t control others reactions,  I can only follow my heart and do what I know is right for me.  These are the choices I have made, and if others want nothing to do with me then that is their choice.  I have to respect that.  If they don’t want to return my phone calls, they certainly don’t have to.  Of course, these reactions were not helping my state of mind.

I woke up one morning and decided that enough was enough.  I can’t do anything about how people will react, and the custody arrangements are what they are.  What I can do is take care of myself and my needs.  So I put the word out to my girlfriends that I needed to start dating….ASAP!  I was not looking for commitment or anything serious at all,  I just needed to have some fun.  Lots of fun. Really badly.

It took only a few days, and a girlfriend of mine hooked me up with a very attractive and much younger man.  We hit it off really well, and have been spending quite a bit of time together since. He was looking for the same thing I was, and we’ve been enjoying each others company, with no strings attached.  I’m under no illusion that it will last, and neither is he, which makes it all the better.  We’re keeping it simple, and it’s been really awesome.

I’m incredibly grateful to have him around.  First of all, he’s taught me a lot about how I want to be treated by a man.  He’s always saying nice things, giving me constant ego boosts, making me feel really beautiful.  He lets me get whatever I need off my chest, regardless of how petty or whiny I may be.  He appreciates my sense of humor and laughs so hard at all my jokes.  And he’s a REALLY good cook!  In short, he’s just been a great friend who’s there for me when I need him, a true rock.

Secondly, he’s been incredibly helpful.  Working fifty hours a week and being a single mom can be very tiring to say the least.  He does so much for me!  He picks up groceries, ice scrapers, wine, you name it, when I just don’t have the time or capabilities to go get them.  And when my grandmother died and I had to rush off to Maine, utterly devastated, he offered to be at my house every day for  week to do the grocery shopping and cook me dinner when I got back to town.  I think that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, and I couldn’t thank him enough.

Lastly, he’s helping me to whip my butt into shape.  He’s got me going to the gym again, and he brings me to work out with him a the gym in his condo building.  And I’m happy to say that as of today I have been smoke-free for over a week!  I definitely couldn’t have done that without him. He’s a great guy, and even though I don’t see us being a long-term couple, I know I’ll always have a great friend in him.

So that pretty much catches us up to the present time.  Thanks so much for reading, I’ll write again soon.

~Much Love ~ Michelle

Last month my grandmother passed away due to heart failure.  I was due to be there in three days to visit her.   I knew she wasn’t doing well, and her doctor didn’t give her very much longer.  Despite my best efforts, I missed her.  I never got the chance to say goodbye, and I will always regret that.  I’m still a bit devastated and having a hard time grasping the fact that I’ll never see her again….

Tribute to follow soon.

Love,
Michelle

Here I am, it is August 11th today, and I am on vacation.  And may I add, a much needed one.  Yes, the hiatus is officially over.  I didn’t intend to go this long without posting some news for you all, but… well life can be unpredictable, can’t it?  It was a much needed break, and I thank all of you for continuing to read my blog.  I’m very happy to say that I’m back.

We have some catching up to do, so I’ll start with how my first month was living on my own.  Initially, I was incredibly excited to get into my new condo and set it all up exactly the way I wanted it to be.  For those of you who didn’t already know this, I have never lived by myself before.  I have never had total autonomy over my living space.  And I’ve got to say, I really enjoyed putting it all together, and having the freedom and independence to do so.  I walked around my condo with great joy and pride, patting myself on the back for my incredible style and taste.  I knew I had it in me! :) 

And yes, I bought a car with that money. It’s a gold 2001 Nissan Sentra with no power features whatsoever!  There’s absolutely nothing flashy or overly attractive about this vehicle.  But for under $6000, it’s the best deal I found in the time frame given.  No power locks, no power windows, no cruise control, not even a delay feature on the windshield wipers!  I thought that was pretty standard on cars these days, but nope I was wrong! But it does have those few things that I really do need:  four doors, air conditioning and a CD player.  Good enough for me.  She’s not sexy, and she’s got her quirks, but she’s reliable and has lots of life left in her.  So I’ve decided to call her ‘Sweet Jane’.  I think the name suits her quite nicely.

Everything was falling into place, and I was very enthusiastic about my new life and freedom. Splitting custody with my ex meant I had half of my free time wide open for possibilities.  I could hit patios for pints and visit friends I hadn’t seen in awhile.  I could form a new band and start singing again, which I miss so much.  The world was wide open for me and whatever I wanted to fill that time with was my decision and my decision only.  I was very enthusiastic and optimistic about my new circumstances.

Well, my enthusiasm lasted about two weeks.  Then the inevitable wave of emotions came crashing down on me. I had a good solid week of reality checks, which I will forever refer to as my ’shitstorm week’.  According to the new custody calendar,  I would be spending Mother’s Day without my son, or any of my family for that matter, at a time when I really wanted and needed them around me. I learned that my ex-husband has a new, considerably younger girlfriend.  And I learned that my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer.  It was a lot to take in, and it is no exaggeration to say that everytime I was not at work or in the company of other people for a two week period,  I was crying.  Actually that’s not completely true.  Many people did see me cry.  A few good friends, strangers in the cars next to me on the way to and from work, random drive-thru servers… you get the idea.

Now please don’t feel bad for me.  Don’t cry for ME, Argentina!  Even at the time, I was not pitying myself.  As surprising as this may sound, I felt overwhelmingly relieved every time the tears came.  For the past couple of years, I have felt so unshakably numb. I felt so detached from the world around me, so guarded. Nothing moved me. The tears came with great relief, and I welcomed them wholeheartedly.

I don’t have a clear answer as to why I was in such an emotional vacuum for those years.  A combination of many factors, no doubt.  Perhaps I was harboring fears of being seen as unstable, of being over-emotional, of having no self control. Fear of being judged!  Perhaps deep down I just knew I was not where I should have been in life and that distracted me from living in the moment.  I can’t pinpoint a single cause, but regardless,  I’m happy to say any fear or obstacle that has ever kept me from expressing my emotions or from feeling with 100% of my heart and soul has been banished from my life.  Fear is not welcome at the new condo.  :)  Those tears washed away years and years worth of self-doubt, pain and emotional barriers.  On the other side of those tears, I have found space. And in that space I have made a home for a long-lost friend: my inner voice. 

That’s all for now, I’ll tell you more later on.  Right now the sun is coming out on Prince Edward Island, and I’m going to go enjoy it.

Much love  ~ Michelle

I’ve been extremely busy packing up my stuff, not a whole lot of time to write.  It’s just 9 days away, the big move!  I’m really excited to setup the new place.  It’s quite a bit smaller than the place I’ve been living in, so I’m taking the opportunity to purge a lot of unneccesary garbage that’s been piling up over the years.  It’s unbeleivable how much stuff one can accumulate over years.    Boxes and boxes of sheer garbage.  Value village will be inheriting a nice pile over the next week.  Lucky them.

I’ll be writing more again soon, but not much until I’m settled into my new condo.  I’m taking a brief hiatus.  I’ll be back soon enough.

Until then,

~Michelle~

A good friend of mine once said I’m the luckiest person he’s ever met.  Well, once again I’ve proved him correct.  Today I got a windfall of $5000.  Technically, it’s an advance on my inheritance money.  $5000!!!! Exactly what I’ll need to buy a good reliable car.  As of this moment, all feels right with the world.  Can you believe my luck?  I really can’t, but I couldn’t be more grateful… and relieved!

I’m moving into my own place in about two weeks, so the timing could not be better.  Now I’ve just got to start looking for some great deals on dependable vehicles… oh, and I should probably start packing! 

~Make it a great day!~  All my love, Michelle

Well, now that I have a good idea what my monthly bills will be, I’ve made myself my first budget.  Thirty-one years old and this is the first one I’ve made.  Can you even get over it? It’s quite an accomplishment I know!  Aren’t you proud of me?  But let me be the first to tell you, this budget is looking pretty tight.

I guess I took some things for granted.  My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I lived a pretty good lifestyle together.  We had a big townhouse to share with a spare bedroom for guests, 1.5 baths and a little backyard for the baby.  It had three floors and a huge soaker tub, which I LOVED!  Man, I’m gonna miss that tub.   We had extra money to do whatever we wanted to do whenever we had the urge to do it.  It was pretty sweet, really. What I’m trying to say is, I’m downgrading big time.  And it hurts more than a little.

Yes, my condo will be nice.  It has the five appliances that, now that I’m used to having them, I can’t live without.  I’ll have a bedroom for my son and a separate one for myself, of course.  And I don’t have to get a roommate to help pay the bills.  For these things, I am grateful.  I really need my own breathing space right now.

There are many things, however, that I am going to have to give up, and just thinking about it is paining me.  The biggest of all is that I can’t afford a car just yet.  You might be thinking, no big deal, just bus it princess, right?  Well it’s not that easy when you have a baby in the picture.  Having no wheels means I can’t pick him up from daycare, nor can I drop him off, which has to happen every weekday.  So, indirectly, not having a car might just mean that I won’t be seeing my baby nearly as much as I would like to.  So it looks like I have to find a way to cut back even more on this new budget, or I need to find a way to make more money.  Of course, if I get another job then I’ll have even less free time to spend with my boy.  And if I cut back I’ll have to abandon my goals and any kind of social life.  It’s one helluva predicament, and it’s tearing me up inside.

On the other hand, this really makes me appreciate how some people struggle.  I know the road ahead of me is so much easier than most people’s, and I’ve had it good.  Real good.  For a long time. In the grand scheme of all the chaos and sadness in this world, this is nothing really.  I’m just trying to keep some perspective on the whole thing.  I will find a way to make it all work.

As of this moment, I am accepting any and all good ideas and suggestions.  Throw ‘em at me!  My ears are all perked up, and I’m looking eagerly for an open window.

~Michelle~

I’m signing a lease on a 2 bedroom condo this week!  It’s exactly what I”m looking for.  It’s not big, but it’s got the two bedrooms that I’ll need for me and the little man.  It has five appliances, a walk in closet, and a little backyard greenspace to barbecue.  I think I’ll get a little splash pool for my son for the summer to put back there. 

I’m so excited!  I’m moving in May 1st.  Anyone want to come over for some drinks?

~Michelle~

You know the hard statistic, that one out of every two or so marriages ends in divorce. It’s a daunting statistic, one that may make you wonder why people get married at all?

This statistic has always caused me some discomfort. Getting married at the age of 25, I always wondered what my fate would turn out to be. The odds were good that my marriage would eventually end. And now that that is a reality in my life, I feel very different about that statistic. Funny enough, lately I have found it very comforting!

It seems whenever I fill people in on the news of my divorce I hear someone pipe up, “I”ve been there!” Yes, people break up. Like my acupuncturist, Allan, said “That’s why there are so many sad love songs on the radio.” It happens.

There are a surprising number of my friends that have been through it too.  I can count at least four of them under the age of 40 who have already been married and divorced. But whether or not you have actually walked down the aisle or not, most everyone has been through a break-up. And if you haven’t, well I hate to be the one to break it to you but you likely will before your life is over. And trust me, it’s not the end of the world.

So, I find myself a part of this divorce statistic. It’s not that bad. Just like when I became a mother, I find that I have been initiated into a new unofficial club of sorts. Not exactly Sargeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, a little less cool than that, and surprisingly not very lonely. At least not in my case. I am surrounded by people who know what it’s like and have some great advice. I feel lucky that my divorce will be lawyer-free and as amicable as possible.  I feel lucky that I have such a circle of support around me.  And I feel lucky that I’m still very young with so much to offer.   In short, I have a lot to look forward to.

~Michelle~

I have to admit, it has been hard to be 100% forthcoming on this blog for the past few months.  With all due respect to  my dear friends, family, and those closest to me, I had to spill the beans to them first before I could open up my life on this blog.  I hope from this point forward I can be more honest and fill you all in on how my life will be evolving over the coming months.

Well, here it is…

My husband and I are getting a separation.

Yes, we are both ok with it and yes we are still very good friends. I won’t get into detail as to the reasons why, out of respect for the friendship that I hope to maintain with him.  We have spent the past eleven years of our lives together.  Every minute of my 20s was spent with him as either my boyfriend, fiance or my husband.  We have an amazing son who is healthy and strong, and we both thank God every day that he’s in our lives.  We have had so many good times together, and a few not so good times.   But all in all we’ve got a lot to be thankful for, and we both know it.

As for the reason for splittling up, how can their be only one?  Is anything in life ever that simple? As with any marriage, the relationship is complex, with so many delicate intricacies and dynamic factors.   Even the most observant person could not point their finger at a single cause.  That’s the nature of the beast we call ‘marriage’.  People change.  People grow.  And sometimes, people just grow up.  If I were to pick just one reason, out of all the dozens of factors, that would be it.  People do grow up.  Namely me.

I’d like to take this moment to apologize for not filling you in, if you are one of the people that I haven’t had a chance to call and tell you this news personally.  Also, I’d like to say sorry for not fulfilling my end of the bargain in regards to this blog.  My goal of writing this blog was to be as honest as possible with everyone in regards to my life, my struggles, my joys and concerns.  In this regard, I have faltered.  I sincerely hope that I can meet and maintain that goal in the future and let you all in on how things are progressing.  And that I can, now that I’ve spilled the beans, bring myself to write a post more than once a week.

I could use all the support I can get, so I’d love to hear from all of you out there.  Certainly this is not an easy thing to go through.  One of the biggest challenges I’ve come across is dealing with all the negativity surrounding the divorce taboo.  Yes, we made vows to be together forever.  Yes, at the time we meant it.  But like I said, people change.  And if there’s one thing you can’t control about life, it’s the fact that we are all constantly changing.  We do not live in a vacuum, and at the end of the day we all have to make decisions that are right for ourselves.  And so that’s what I did.  I have to be honest with myself and with my husband.  Maybe it just wasn’t meant to last forever.  Maybe it’s better that we decided this now than ten years from now.  Maybe we’ll both be happier in the long-term.  Maybe we’ll never know until we try.  That’s all I can do–try.

So I’m looking for an apartment.  Two bedrooms.  Ideally no roommates.  I’ve never lived by myself, and the idea that I am in total control of my living space really appeals to me right now.  Well, at least until I ask the landlord.  :)  We’ll be splitting custody of our son 50/50.  We both intend to be very active parents and to remain good friends.  We’ll see what happens from there.  There are no guarantees on how it will all play out, but we’re both going to give it our best.  And that’s a really good place to start. 

I’ll keep you all updated as much as I can.  Thanks for your continuing support and love, it means so much to me.  I am so grateful for you!  And, as always, thanks for reading.

All the best ~ Michelle ~

My son will be eleven months old in a couple of days. The time has just flown by! By my rough estimate, he has gone through about 2600 diapers!! Isn’t that unbelievable! It seems like just yesterday he couldn’t hold his head up one little bit. He could fit easily into the kitchen sink. He could not control the twitching in his new little limbs. He kept on crossing his eyes when trying to focus…. aww my little peanut…

That newborn stage didn’t last very long. My little man has been on a mission to become a boy as fast as humanly possible. And he has been quite successful, I do believe. I think he outgrew his newborn clothes in about a week. He was 8 1/2 pounds at birth, but by one month he already hit eleven! Eleven pounds, dude! Why the big rush?

But it really is amazing the changes that happen in a baby. Not only in their appearance, but in their development. One day they just learn how to do something, and it’s theirs forever. Just one day! That’s all it takes. Just one step at a time.

I’ll always remember the Saturday that I taught him how to crawl. He was so frustrated, reaching for his toys, trying to push off with his little legs, only to end up pushing himself backwards. So, tossing my own desire to not chase him around the house aside, I got down on all fours and showed him how to get those knees working. It took a few lessons, but by the end of the day he had it down! The smile that came across his face when he realized what independence this would bring to his life. I can reach my own toys! I can grab my own bottle that’s halfway across the room! AWESOME!!!!

There are milestones that we as parents cannot wait for. We need some kind of feedback to feel like those sleepless nights were appreciated on some level. But for the first six weeks my baby could not smile. By four months he could finally chuckle. It was five months or so until he could sit up on his own. By seven and a half months he was crawling up the stairs all by himself. Look ma, no help! Mindblowing! For the first eight months he thought I had dropped off the face of the planet every time I disappeared from his line of sight… It’s a long haul, but it’s worth it and more rewarding than any job could ever be.

These days he can give kisses, he can play his little bongo drums and he can feed himself, thank you very much. AND, not only can he walk, but he can dance! It’s awesome. Before I know it he’ll be smooshing his first birthday cake in his face. And I can’t wait!

One year old… it really makes me wonder how much we as adults typically accomplish in a year. That little man can really teach us a lot if we take a moment to learn. It’s pretty incredible.

~Make it a great day~ Michelle